Chapter 9: Fears and Uncertainties

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I grab my cup of coffee and take a few sips before turning my attention back towards my work. I need to finish this sub-circuit today if we want to stay on track for the overall project. Even Aurelia, who's working on her own part, is focused on her work. Looks like today is going to be an overtime day.

I move a few things around, then run the simulation again. The flow of magic isn't getting distributed evenly, and if that fails here, it will cascade into far greater issues within the complete circuit. I sigh, then kick myself away from my desk while staring at the ceiling. What could the issue possibly be? I already checked the smaller sub-circuits already integrated into this one, and they all work individually. This means the issue is somewhere in the parts I added, but where?

The more I think about it, the less I manage to focus, and my thoughts soon drift back to Izei. How is he doing? Did they find a way to turn him back?

Images of him napping on the couch and getting all embarrassed when I said he was cute resurface in my mind, causing me to involuntarily start smiling. As much as I want him to go back to normal, I think I'll miss girl Izei when she's gone.

Alright, that was a long enough break! I straighten my back, take another sip of coffee, and start messing with my circuit again.

 

The sun is now low behind the horizon, with only a slight orange tint still visible in the sky. I send my circuit for approval before stretching loudly, causing Aurelia to turn towards me and ask:

"Managed to get it done?"

"Yep! What about you?"

"Everything seems fine, but I still need to review a couple edge cases. Shouldn't be much longer."

"With that, we should be back to following the schedule. Gotta make sure we don't fall behind again."

"Ah! We all know it's practically inevitable. See you in a month for the next batch of overtime!"

I laugh at that comment, more so because of how uncomfortably true it is than for it's comedic value.

I get up, grab my bag, and leave the office.

 

On my way back home, I try to call Izei, but he doesn't respond. Did something happen, or is he simply too busy to pay attention to his phone? I decide to leave a text message instead, asking if he'd like anything special for dinner. If he hasn't responded by the time I get off at the station near our apartment, I'll simply grab something from one of the nearby restaurants for him.

It's already dark when I enter a small burger joint to grab our usual orders, despite the days getting longer as we get closer to summer. I really finished extra late today. And still no word from Izei, I'm starting to be worried.

I try sending him another text message as I walk back to our apartment, but it doesn't bring any more reaction than the previous one. I walk up the stairs leading to our door, and pause as I reach it. If it's locked, he's probably still out somewhere. If it's unlocked, he's likely home. Hesitantly, I grab the handle and turn it.

Unlocked.

I push the door open, slowly. No lights. I walk in and see that his new shoes are in the lobby. Could he be sleeping already? At least he's almost certainly here.

I turn the lights on, then walk into the main room, where I see Izei, sitting on an armchair, staring into the void. Something serious must have happened to leave him in that state.

I drop the bag of food on the table, then approach him.

"Izei? Are you alright?"

He slowly turns towards me, finally reacting to my presence. After a few seconds, he seems to finally realize that I'm here, and responds:

"I'm... not sure?"

"Why? Did something happen?"

A few more seconds of silence.

"I... might have to stay like this for a whole year."

This time, it's my turn to be shocked.

"A... A whole year?"

He nods, but he seems to be slowly coming back to normal.

"Could be shorter, but... they have a lot of work to do to understand the thing that transformed me. So it'll take a long time."

"And I see from your reaction that you're not thrilled about it."

He titters before responding:

"Of course I'm not! Can you imagine spending a whole year in a body you don't fully recognize as yours? How am I supposed to deal with people? With my family? What if they get used to seeing me like this? What if I get used to seeing myself like this? How... How am I supposed to..."

He chokes on his emotions as tears start filling his eyes. He clearly needs support, so I sit next to him and gently hug him, which causes him to hug me back. In this position, he finally allows his tears to flow freely.

I hold him against me while he lets out all of the emotions, uncertainties, doubts and worries that accumulated over the past few days.

We remain in this position for a few minutes. This situation must be really hard for him, and I might have unintentionally made things worse by complimenting the way he looked as a woman yesterday. I'll have to take his feelings into consideration going forward and make sure it's clear that, to me, he's still the man he's always been.

He eventually calms down. His hug loosens and his breathing stabilizes, but he doesn't get back up. As I gently push him away, I notice that he fell asleep. All of these emotions must have drained everything left in him. I'll avoid waking him up for now.

As delicately as I can manage, I lift him up from the armchair and bring him to the couch. I'm surprised by how light he is. I never lifted him up before his transformation, but I'm almost certain he was heavier than this.

I gently put him down on the couch, pushing one of the cushions under his head to serve as a pillow before grabbing a blanket to cover him with. His eyes are still red, but he seems to at least be sleeping peacefully.

What can I expect over a potential whole year of him being that way? I hope his mental health stabilizes. All I can really do is be there for him.

I turn towards the meals I brought, waiting for us on the dining table. Doesn't look like Izei is going to have his quite yet, so I grab it and put it in the fridge before eating mine.

I spend the rest of the evening in the living room, playing a game in silence while keeping an eye on Izei. He moves a bit from time to time, but is otherwise sleeping soundly. Seeing him like this, I wouldn't guess that he cried himself to sleep. He looks so peaceful, so serene, so cute...

No! After what happened today, I simply cannot allow myself to keep on thinking that way. I close the television, stretch a bit, then head to my bedroom to prepare for the night. I leave some lights open around the apartment, that way he won't be in the dark when he wakes up and moves to his bed. Hopefully he feels better tomorrow.

 

The next morning, like every morning, I'm woken up by my phone's alarm. Today's a weekend day, though. I must have forgotten to turn it off last night, again.

Since I'm already awake, I might as well get up and go check on Izei.

As I leave my bedroom, I see him, sitting at the table, having breakfast. He's wearing a pajama, which means that he changed at some point during the night. He turns towards me when he hears me, and says:

"Good morning! I'm really sorry about yesterday. I must have fallen asleep in your arms, which is... really embarrassing, to be honest."

"Don't worry about it, I'm just glad I was there to help you through that. How are you feeling?"

"A lot better. I think letting my emotions pour out like that helped me understand them better. I'm scared. Horribly scared. But I also know it's something I can handle and get through. Sure, there will be trials in the upcoming months, but I'll surmount them. And I'm sure my problems won't end when I turn back to normal, but I'll also be able to handle them then. And with you by my side, I know I'll always have a strong and reliable ally I can count on."

That last sentence causes my heart to accelerate. It's been so long since a girl said she wanted me by her side... No, Izei is not a girl. I can't do this to him again.

"Wow. You thought about all that while sleeping?"

He laughs. He has such a pretty laugh now, one I would want to hear every day for the rest of my life... No, Rimar, stay in control.

"I've actually been awake for a few hours. I did a lot of thinking in the dark of my bedroom. Anyway, I also planned out my weekend, I'll try my best to do things I enjoy and not let the situation get to me."

I'm surprised once more by Izei's resilience. He's always managed to keep his spirits up, even when things aren't going so great. This is certainly the greatest challenge he ever faced, but he's already tackling it with everything he got. There's a warmth to his person that I've never seen in anyone else.

As I smile to myself while looking at him eat his toast and eggs, I wish with everything I have that we'll somehow find a way through this.

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