16 July 2000 - Hilltop Road, Lancaster, Massachusetts
Jeff woke the next morning, surprised at how soundly he’d slept. He didn’t remember any nightmares; he supposed he’d been too exhausted to dream. His tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth which tasted like a dirty sock. Jeff noted it was just after six in the morning and rolled out of bed without disturbing his wife. Keiko snored softly behind him. She must have picked up the uniform he’d left strewn across the floor last night because he didn’t see it. Jeff pulled some workout clothes from his bureau and dressed in the bathroom; there he ran a toothbrush around his mouth and swished a healthy amount of mouthwash around behind it.
Jeff disarmed the alarm and padded down the stairs, heading for the workout space they’d built with the house in ‘95. He was thankful for the wide range of workout equipment there but today he was interested in only one thing: the heavy bag. He wrapped his hands and slipped on the easy-close boxing gloves. He danced around the heavy bag to warm up. He threw light punches while his legs loosened. Soon the sounds of leather striking leather grew sharper, louder.
Blows rained down on the bag while Jeff kept moving. His shoulders were on fire as the muscles worked to keep up. He mixed in kicks to vary his attack. When he imagined the boyfriend’s face his polish disappeared; he stood toe-to-toe with the bag and threw punch after punch, kick after kick. Obscenities poured out of Jeff’s mouth while his punches and kicks grew less and less controlled, looking more like he was flailing at the bag. He continued until his fatigue caused him to collapse to his knees.
Jeff began to cry again, memories of the previous day’s call overwhelming him. The rubber floor mats under the heavy bag became his target; the floor gave much less than the bag did even with the padding. When his anger was spent, Jeff couldn’t lift his arms he was so tired. He sat back on his heels and stared at the ceiling. It took nearly ten minutes for Jeff to rise unsteadily to his feet and turn back to the house. He almost fell over when he stopped short.
“Your mother would wash your mouth out with soap if she heard what you just said.” His former partner, Sean Brophy, sat perched on a stool ten feet way.
How did I miss him coming in? Jeff wondered. “It’s a long drive for you from Melrose,” Jeff remarked while he took off the gloves and grabbed his towel, “especially if you’re gonna fire someone at the end of the drive.”
“Why would I fire you?”
“I assaulted three men yesterday, Sean,” Jeff pointed out.
“I have people to fire people for me,” Sean laughed to the older man, waving his hand in a dismissive manner. “Plus you defended yourself against two of them, ya big dummy.”
“That I ‘defended’ myself against the man in the lobby is a bit of a stretch,” Jeff retorted to which Sean gave dismissive shrug. “The third?”
“Shoulda kept his fool mouth shut.”
Jeff didn’t reply; he crossed to the refrigerator in the room where he grabbed a sports drink. He tilted it at Sean, offering it to him.
“Before coffee? Barbarian.”
Jeff shrugged, opened the bottle and drained it in one, long drink. He pulled another bottle from the fridge and motioned towards the main part of the house. Jeff started the coffee maker once in the kitchen; Keiko and the kids were still asleep at quarter to seven on a Sunday. Sean and Jeff said little while they waited for the brew to finish. Once Sean poured each of them a mug he waved Jeff out to his deck. The skies were clear and the temperature already in the low seventies when they stepped outside. They sat in silence in the early summer morning.
Sean looked over at his friend. Jeff wore the same blank look on his face that Shawna LeStrange described to Sean when he talked to her on the phone last night. Looking closer Sean didn’t see a blank look but a haunted thousand-yard stare.
“Jeff? Jeff?” Sean’s call jolted him out of whatever daydream he was in; his head swiveled slowly to look at Sean. “There’s a CISD meeting at Station Five tomorrow afternoon. As your friend, I think you should go.”
Jeff’s head swiveled back and he stared out across his lawn again. “I’m fine,” he said in an unconvincing voice.
“And I’m calling bullshit,” Sean replied immediately; Jeff didn’t respond. “Fine doesn’t cause your reaction at Mass General. Fine doesn’t tell the dispatch manager to shove a call up his ass. Fine doesn’t need a ride home from MSP. Fine doesn’t beat the snot out of a heavy bag for ten minutes.” Sean took a breath. “Fine,” he said in a softer, quieter voice, “doesn’t put that look on Sabrina’s face.”
Jeff jerked his head around in the direction Sean pointed. Sabrina, dressed in her pajamas and carrying her favorite stuffed Snoopy, stood on the other side of the glass door to the patio; she wore a hang-dog look she’d already perfected at age two. Her bright blue eyes locked onto Jeff’s while she stared at him. Sean walked over to open the door for her. She walked over to Jeff’s chair, climbed up and curled up in his lap.
“Mommy said you were home early last night, Daddy. How come you didn’t come say g’night to me?”
Jeff wrapped his arms around his daughter, stroking her black hair. “I’m sorry, Princess. Daddy had a bad day at work yesterday, a really bad day. I went right to bed when I got home.” His arms wrapped themselves tighter around the little girl in his embrace; his eyes began to water again.
Jeff wanted desperately to protect Sabrina from every bit of evil in the world, but he knew he couldn’t. There was silence on the deck again while the three reclined in the deck chairs. From what Jeff could tell Sabrina drifted back off to sleep, secure in the knowledge her Daddy would keep her safe; if only Jeff felt as confident in that fact as she did.
The sense of peace which started to settle over the trio was disturbed by an approaching herd of elephants — Alex and Ryan. Jeff heard them come running down the hall; they opened the patio door chattering loud enough to wake the dead and bounded over to greet their father. Jeff hugged them as tight as he could without letting go of their sister.
“Boys, where’s your mother?”
“Their mother is right here.” Keiko stepped into view, placing two fresh mugs of coffee on the table between the two chairs; the others had gone cold. She leaned down to kiss Jeff. He looked up at his wife in gratitude. There were so many things connected to this woman he was grateful for. She looked down at him with love in her eyes, and concern. “Children, I have Bugs Bunny ready for you in the DVD player. Come into the living room and allow your father and Uncle Sean to continue their conversation.”
Alex and Ryan took off like a shot. Sabrina looked up at her father.
“Love you, Daddy,” she said before climbing down.
“I love you too, Princess,” Jeff replied in a whisper. Keiko put a gentle hand on his shoulder. He grasped it, looking back up at his wife; she gave him a smile before picking up the cold coffee mugs and walking inside with Sabrina. Jeff watched them leave like it would be the last he ever saw of them.
“Jeff?” Sean asked. This time Jeff looked at him the first time Sean called his name. “What do you think? You gonna go to that meeting tomorrow? Shawna said she and everyone from Engine Five will be there.” Jeff didn’t answer right away and looked like he was going tell Sean he was fine again. Sean looked his friend in the eye. “‘I think the people who do this job need to talk about what we see; the stoic act is bullshit in my opinion.’”
Jeff snorted. “Where did you get that line of crap?”
“From you.”
“Excuse me?”
“From you, you moron. You told me that during my first shift after I came off training, almost seven years ago, remember?”
“Me and my big mouth,” Jeff muttered.
“It’s as true now as it was then.” Jeff grunted in reply. Sean supposed it was better than no reply. Silence surrounded them once again.
“Breakfast, Daddy! Unca Sean!” Sabrina called from the door ten minutes later before scampering away. Keiko was making scrambled eggs for the children when Jeff and Sean entered. Jeff kissed each of his kids, hugging them tight. When he got to Keiko he kissed her and hugged her for a long while.
Over breakfast Jeff learned that Sean drove out to Lancaster the previous evening; he’d spent the night in the guest room. Sean heard about both The Call, as Jeff was starting to think of it, and what happened at the Malden base. Sean chewed out his dispatch manager for ignoring an out of service status call without finding out why the unit was out of service; he then handed him off to his father for another ass-chewing. The manager drove a valuable employee, Sean’s best friend, away through his actions; either Sean or Seamus would have driven to an employee’s residence to check on how they were doing after such a call, regardless of who it was.
Sean and Jeff carried their refilled coffees into the home office after breakfast and closed the door behind them. Sean pulled out a hip flask and poured a healthy dollop of an amber liquid into Jeff’s mug, then his own.
“What the hell was that?” Jeff asked, raising his eyebrow at his friend.
“Jack Daniels. It’ll put some hair on your chest.”
“Hello? Half-Greek here, remember?”
“So more hair on your chest.” Sean raised his mug in salute. “Sláinte!”
Jeff took a cautious sip of his coffee after shaking his head. The taste of the Lynchburg, Tennessee product was obvious and strong; it got his attention.
“Beth will be some kinda pissed if she has to drive out here and pick your sorry drunk ass up, you know?”
“She, Aiko and the kids will be here at ten,” Sean replied in a conversational tone.
“Excuse me?”
Sean glanced at his watch in an exaggerated manner; it was 9:33 a.m. “They should be more than two-thirds of the way here by now.”
“You planned to get drunk this morning?”
“No,” Sean snorted. “The kids haven’t seen ‘Uncle Jeff, ‘ ‘Aunt Keiko’ or their ‘cousins’ in months; don’t get me started on how long it’s been since you’ve seen or talked to Aiko. You’ve got that huge yard out there, so we let the young’uns run around in the sunshine while the five adults gets caught up.”
“You’re an adult?”
“Only when necessary.”
Jeff grew silent and stared at the dark liquid in his mug. “It might be necessary. Sean, I’ve exposed the company to huge risk through my actions yesterday...”
“Waking up and putting your feet on the floor every morning exposes one to risk, Jeff.”
“Sean...”
“Jeff...” Sean sat up straight and looked his friend in the eye. “Asshole Number One has been charged with voluntary manslaughter, assault and battery on a child under fourteen, assault and battery on you and with being an all-around shitbag, which should keep him out of circulation for the next thirty years minimum. Asshole Number Two admitted he was wrong in trying to get in your way, especially once he knew what you and Shawna were dealing with at the time; we’ll have no trouble from him. As for Asshole Number Three, have him do a call like that and then he can come talk to me.”
Jeff looked out the window to his yard and the trees in the distance. The trees swayed in a gentle rhythm in the breeze, which should have soothed him, but his thoughts were still troubled; closing his eyes allowed images of the girls in their apartment to return. Feelings of inadequacy still lingered from the realization that none of his treatments made Liliana any better. Again he asked the little girl for forgiveness.
“Jeff?” Sean called quietly; Jeff turned back to his friend. “Take some time off. This is clearly work-related as far as Dad and I are concerned, so you’ve got whatever time you need without having to burn any of your vacation time.”
“Need for what?”
“To answer the question whether this is still the right job for you and your family. The offer to be the Ops Manager of the new division is still there if you want it. I believe you are the best person for the job but you need to know if you still want it.”
“How do I mentor people after what happened yesterday?”
“You know what to look for, the potential triggers,” Sean replied with a shrug. “The staffing model I’m looking at is two paramedics per vehicle; those won’t be people new to EMS. Nobody’s immune to the reaction you had — and continue to have — but those folks should have good coping mechanisms that far into their careers. As part of the new division’s mission, we’re looking to have Army medics riding with our crews as much as possible to give them exposure to civilian EMS as a potential option in post-Army life; those will be the folks you’ll need to caution.”
“You’re gonna lose those Army folks when they PCS or ETS. It’ll be a near-endless cycle. You’ll get maybe three years from any of them if you’re lucky.”
“PC-what?”
“Permanent Change of Station, PCS, or End Term of Service, ETS; when they leave Devens, if you prefer.”
“But they’ll have a viable civilian skill, if they want it. Part of the goal of the program is to develop a bridge class from military medic to civilian American Association for EMS EMT certification. My hope is to develop a bridge to AAFEMS paramedic certification, too.”
The wheels started turning for Jeff. “What about having AAFEMS EMT testing be part of the Army’s AIT for medics?”
“See! You’re already coming up with good ideas! Seriously, Jeff, go be a beach bum for a while, or a lumberjack or whatever, just not a medic for a while. And please think about going to the CISD meeting tomorrow; I’d rather see you in a good spot mentally than have you crash and burn, regardless of where you’re working in the future. What was that phrase you used with a young and naïve new EMT from Dixie?”
“‘It’s above my pay grade, ‘“ Jeff and Sean said in unison. Jeff impressed upon Sean, when the latter started at Brophy years ago, that as EMTs all they could do was their best; after that the patient’s ultimate outcome was out of their control. It was the most philosophical or spiritual Sean ever heard Jeff get.
“You’re right, Sean. Keiko and I will discuss where to go after everyone leaves today.”
Sean helped Jeff pick up his car after the family arrived; Jeff was able to drive home without any reaction. The day was blessedly normal. The adults relaxed on the patio while the kids chased each other for hours. Lunch was burgers and dogs, dinner was barbecued chicken. Jeff helped Sean load an exhausted five year-old Pam and three year-old Finn into their seats in Beth’s car after dinner; the Knox children were falling asleep on the couch inside. Hugs were distributed and a promise of a Knox family visit to Melrose extracted. Jeff walked Sean over to his car.
“Take whatever time you need, Jeff,” Sean urged before slipping into the driver’s seat. “Call when you know what you want to do, or if you just want to talk.” Jeff held Keiko’s hand while waving goodbye to their friends.
“It was good to see them,” Keiko said while leaning back into Jeff as they sat on the couch together; they’d just finished carrying their kids upstairs. “I wish the impetus for their visit was different, but I am glad they made the drive.”
“It was good to see Aiko and Beth again. We don’t go to Malden Hospital much from the south side of the river in Medford, so I don’t see Beth at work much any more; most everyone wants to go into Boston from that side of the city. Sean told me the whole family was very happy to have Aiko stay with them when Tim was transferred to Vicenza.” Tim Arashiro, Aiko’s grandson, and his wife Jennifer relocated to Vincenza, Italy and the 173rd Airborne Brigade in March.
“She is settled there and enjoys being around Pamela and Finnegan.” Aiko also told Jennifer and Tim that, as newlyweds, they didn’t need to be babysitting an old woman when they could be working on more great-grandchildren.
Jeff nodded his agreement. “Sean told me to take as much time off as I need to get my head straight. I’m on an open-ended vacation as far as the company’s concerned, though I don’t want to take advantage of Sean’s generosity. He and Seamus still want me to be the operations manager at the new division they’re starting in Ayer.”
“Is this something you feel you can continue to do, Jeffrey?”
He sighed. “I don’t know, Keiko; after yesterday, I just don’t know. I think we should go somewhere and just relax before I think too hard about going back. I also think Sean is right about the stress debriefing tomorrow afternoon. I know we can’t go away for too long with the beginning of August approaching; you need to start getting ready for the school year.”
“Trooper Manahan told me little about your call yesterday, but the news ran a brief story.” Keiko shuddered. “I still do not know how you do what you do, Jeffrey. The ugliness you see...” She shuddered again. Keiko held his hand while he held her around the waist. “Do you wish to go to bed early again tonight?”
“Not yet, Keiko. I want to hold you like this for a while, to remind myself that there are still good things in this world; you and the kids are that list of good things for me right now.”
The following day, Monday, Jeff called the friends he hadn’t spoken to in some time to try and catch up. Some weren’t home when he called so he left messages. Others, like Allison, were home and Jeff spent hours on the phone with them. Allison would go back to Palomar next month after more than a year as a stay-at-home mother. Pauline’s two kids were starting Second Grade and Kindergarten in the fall. Heather and TC were expecting their first child.
“I was beginning to think you’d lost my phone number,” Jack chuckled when he picked up. “I was beginning to get a complex.”
“‘Physician, heal thyself.’”
Jack snorted. “So what are you up to these days?”
“I’m gonna be taking some time off with the family.” Jeff told Jack about the call in Medford over the weekend; his friend agreed that the CISD meeting, and time off to decompress, would be helpful. Jack had dealt with two similar cases during residency.
“When are you coming back?”
“We should be back here by mid-August.”
“So you’ll be able to drive out to Prescott on the twenty-fifth?”
“Should be, why?”
“Kathy and I would like you and your lovely bride to come to our wedding.”
“You’re getting married? That’s terrific! We’ll be there! Are you registered anywhere?”
“Dude,” Jack snorted again. “You’ve seen my house, right? Do you think we’ll need anything?”
Jeff regretted the end of the call to Jack, not only because he hadn’t talked to his friend in months, but because it meant it was time to leave for the CISD meeting. Despite the good sleep he’d gotten Saturday night, he’d slept horribly last night. His dreams woke him at least three times that he could remember. The drive to Medford Station Five kept him far away from both Wellington Circle and Mystic River Apartments; the thought of going near either location almost started him shaking again. Though he tried taking his time by stopping to get gas for his car and coffee for himself, his ingrained punctuality saw him pulling up to the station five minutes before the start of the meeting.
Jeff walked into the station for the first time since the damage caused by last week’s rain. The new EMS room was framed in but that was about it. The feel of the station was off; it no longer felt welcoming like it had for the past four years.
However remote the station felt to him, the firefighters still welcomed him. Group Two was on-duty for the day shift; Deputy Paul Giaconti ruffled his hair and Lieutenant Barry Anderson shook his hand when they saw him crossing the apparatus floor. The rest of Engine Five’s crew waved from the day room recliners while Jeff made his way to the conference room.
He stepped in and stopped just inside the door, hesitating. Shawna came over to give him a long hug. Nick and his crew each gave him a handshake and grasped his shoulder; Stan embraced him, having felt some of the same pain that day. Jeff’s eyes misted over at the concern they showed. The CISD counsellor invited everyone to sit. The chairs were arranged in a circle to show everyone was an equal today.
“Folks, my name is Gary Francis; I’m the head of the North Suburban CISD Team. For those who have yet to take part in a debriefing, the most important thing to know about today is that there will be no record of this meeting; there are no sign-in sheets, no notes, no recordings. This meeting is for you, not your employers. They might derive some benefit from having you be here, but they have no claim on anything we discuss. Please do not talk about the content of this meeting with anyone who isn’t here today.”
“Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I’d ask you to introduce yourselves so I can learn your names.” The introductions progressed around the circle.
“Thank you. We at North Suburban have been asked to discuss the incident which happened Saturday at Mystic River Apartments. Nick, would you tell us what happened from your perspective? Give us a rundown of your day up until you were dispatched to the call.”
Nick did so; they’d been sent to the call because the engine which normally covers the apartment complex, Engine Two, was on another assignment. The rest of the crew from Engine Five nodded in agreement and didn’t offer much of a different perspective. The MPD officers involved described a normal weekend day shift. Shawna and Jeff told of a routine shift as well.
In the next part of the debrief the responders were asked to explain what happened at the apartment in a factual manner; this was not an after action review looking for ways to improve operations but simply a description of events. The CISD facilitator didn’t ask many questions of the responders since their explanations were clear, concise and detailed.
“When did you stop running on automatic?” was Gary’s next question for the group. The answer was unanimous: as soon as a person’s active participation was complete, that’s when their reactions started.
“What happened next?” This was the question Jeff was dreading. While his friends answered the question, his feelings of helplessness welled up again. He hung his head and his hands started shaking. He tried to hold back the sobs but he couldn’t. Shawna, who’d positioned herself in the chair next to him in case of this exact reaction, wrapped him in another hug.
“Let it out, Jeff,” she pleaded with him in a whisper. “Let it out. The boys are safe, your little girl is safe.” She held on to him until his sobs died out. When they eased, she sat back while he raised his head. Jeff thought he’d see looks of disgust when he looked up, but he was surprised to see so many others with red-rimmed eyes. Gary asked if he’d had similar reactions since the incident. Jeff explained he’d had the same reaction just after their arrival in the trauma bay.
Shawna and Stan surprised Jeff. They’d been able to hold it together until they’d arrived home; there they’d had similar, though smaller, reactions. Shawna described the confusion her daughter Chandra displayed to her crying jag; Stan’s wife found him near tears looking at pictures of their grandchildren. When Jeff heard that, he was able to describe his reaction calmly.
“The worst part for me,” Shawna explained, “is seeing how this has affected a friend, someone I’d viewed as unflappable. It makes me wonder when my call is coming, the one that will hit me like it did my friend.”
Gary explained that there was no single reaction to a call such as the one they’d had together; the types of reactions could vary, as could the impact of the reaction. He described the more frequent types as well as dangerous ones they’d need to watch out for. He then suggested various coping strategies they could employ. Then he wrapped up the meeting.
Jeff approached Gary and asked how he might discuss with Keiko what he’d seen and done, exposing traumatic experiences he’d shielded her from ever since they’d been together. Gary offered suggestions and asked Jeff about his thoughts about counseling to further help him cope with his reactions. Jeff hesitated but finally accepted; Gary gave him names of counsellors across Middlesex County, North Suburban’s general coverage area.
The group gathered in the middle of the circle of chairs before they opened the conference room door.
“Anyone want to grab something to eat?” Nick asked.
“I could probably stand to eat, as well as talk some more,” Jeff admitted. Many of the group said they’d be interested.
“Where do we want to go? Lupo’s?” Nick asked, naming a restaurant in Wellington Circle.
Jeff blanched. “I don’t think I’m ready to go anywhere near Wellington, guys.”
“Shit, Jeff, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking,” Nick apologized.
“It’s okay, Nick. Maybe after my vacation I’ll be ready, but not just yet.”
“I hear there’s a new pub-style restaurant in Burlington by the mall,” suggested Glen McDaniel, the MPD officer who’d followed them down to the lobby that day. “I hear it’s supposed to be pretty good.” The group agreed and were on their way minutes later.
The pub didn’t have a table large enough to accommodate the seven who’d gone to the CISD meeting, but they could seat everyone in two adjacent booths. The group from Medford took what they could get. They ordered a round of drinks when the server came over.
“Lady and gentlemen, may St. Michael and St. Florian watch over us all,” Glen offered.
“Amen,” answered Nick DeCosta. Jeff whispered the same response.
Jeff and Shawna sat in silence in their booth, even though both said they wanted to talk before leaving Station Five. He finished half his beer before he paid attention to the conversation Nick and Glen were having across the table.
“Have you heard anything from the detectives, Glen?”
“Don’t think there will be a very drawn-out investigation on this one, Nick. The boyfriend’s ring left very clear marks on the older girl and the detectives could see bits of skin in the ring itself; short odds are on it being the girl’s. They also found a bite mark which matched her teeth on Mr. Wonderful’s arm.”
“A bite mark?”
“From what I understand the current theory is that the boyfriend smacked the younger sister for some reason, knocking her unconscious, and the older sister tried to protect her.”
Jeff grimaced at the sour taste in the back of his throat. He tossed a five on the table to cover the cost of his beer and fled. Once outside the restaurant he leaned against a tree and took big breaths of the fresh air. He knew Nick and Glen hadn’t meant to cause this sort of reaction by talking about the call, but he’d reacted anyway.
“Jeff?” Shawna asked from behind him.
“I’m okay, Shawna,” he assured her. “I just felt an overwhelming need to leave.”
“Those two are getting a piece of my mind when I get back in there!”
“Don’t, Shawna, okay?” Jeff asked while turning to face her. “It’s okay, really. I think I need to hear about the call, even if part of me doesn’t want to; the call is a part of me, of my past, that I need to deal with now. Nick and Glen, they’re friends and didn’t mean to make me uncomfortable.” She didn’t look convinced but nodded in agreement. “Look, I’m going to be taking some time off, a few weeks or so, but I let you know when I’m back okay?”
“You’d better,” she croaked and flung herself at him. “You’re the best damn partner I’ve ever had!”
“You’re no slouch either, Shawna. There aren’t many people I’d want at my back, but you’re high on that list. You watch yourself working with the second string, okay?” She nodded while breaking the hug and wiping her eyes. “I’m going to grab a coffee and fight the traffic leaving the city; tell the guys I’m sorry I bailed.”
A somber Jeff parked his car in the garage ninety minutes later; the memories of two days ago were still weighing heavily on him, though the pressure was easing. He sighed, put his head back on the headrest and stared at the headliner before climbing out of the Volkswagen. Keiko and the kids were seated at the table for dinner when he walked in.
“Hi, Daddy!” Sabrina chirped while wrapping herself around his left leg.
“Hi, Princess,” he whispered back as he smoothed her hair. His daughter’s smile did much to buoy his mood. Keiko placed a plateful of dinner at his normal spot at the table while he hefted Sabrina and carried her back to the rest of the family. From the looks of the other plates Jeff guessed the others had just sat down. Keiko looked a question at him; he shrugged in reply, indicating that the meeting was okay.
Jeff immersed himself in his family as a way to keep The Call at arm’s length. He found himself in a deep discussion with Sabrina on the relative merits of the different Beanie Babies. Alex wanted to talk about baseball, specifically when were they were going to throw the ball around again. Both discussions kept his mind off “it.” He helped Keiko put the kids to bed before leading her out to the patio.
“Keiko, since we’ve been together I’ve hesitated to tell you about the calls I do at work,” Jeff began, handing her a bottle of water. He sat across the patio table from her rather than with her on the loveseat there. “I’ve done that out of a desire to keep from dragging you into the cesspool I sometimes find myself in, as well as for confidentiality reasons.”
“I have gathered, Jeffrey, that the age of your patients caused your reaction the other day?”
“Yes and no, Keiko.” He began to squirm, which was very unlike him; he had to get this out so that she could understand. So he could understand. “What I am about to tell you cannot go any further than this house and us.” Keiko nodded, concern crossing her face again. Jeff stood and looked to the tree-line in the fading light.
“Shawna and I were dispatched to a child with altered mental status, which can be serious but often times it’s not; up until that point in the shift, about one or one-thirty in the afternoon, we hadn’t done a call. We’d just gotten iced coffees at a Dunkin’ Donuts we go to all the time in Medford’s Wellington Circle. The woman who took our order is friendly, bubbly, always has a smile; she’s a favorite of the customers.”
“We were only minutes away from the location of the call. On our way into the elevator a resident asked us what was going on; I told him it was none of his business. Shawna and I were still laughing at his pompous attitude when we stepped into the apartment where the call was.”
“As soon as we saw we had two unconscious children as patients we were switched on. The younger sister had a handprint on her face but no other injuries we could see. The older sister...” Jeff drew a shuddering breath. “The older sister had been badly beaten. When I touched her, she reacted in a way that told me she was in serious trouble.”
“Her brain was herniating, trying to force its way out of the bottom of her skull where the spinal cord exits; the process produces a very specific set of symptoms and, once it’s started, it’s very difficult to stop in the field. We had to get her to a trauma center immediately.”
Jeff heard Keiko stand — the patio chair springs creaked — moments before he felt her arms encircle him and felt her rest her cheek on his back. He placed his hands over hers and continued.
“There were marks on the older sister’s body which matched a ring her mother’s boyfriend was wearing; he’d been watching her girls that day. I’d noticed the ring and scrapes on his knuckles when he’d handed me a piece of paper while I was treating my patient. As soon as the police showed up he tried to delay our departure by telling us we needed to wait for the girls’ mother to return; we didn’t. In cases where the parent or guardian isn’t present like that, we operate under the principle of ‘implied consent.’ It’s assumed that a parent or guardian would want any and all care to be rendered to the child in an emergency. The boyfriend was neither a parent nor a guardian.”
“The boyfriend put his hand on my shoulder in an attempt to get my attention; he already had my attention, I was just ignoring him like everyone else there. When he touched me I snapped and drove my elbow into his crotch. The sergeant from Medford PD said he saw me defending myself.”
“Shawna and I carried the girls down the stairs from the second floor, rather than wait for the elevator. While we were crossing the lobby to the front door, the guy I’d told to mind his own business tried to stop me and give me a piece of his mind. When he wouldn’t move I body-checked him and sent him flying. MPD told us to keep moving while they arrested the guy.”
“On the way to the hospital we did everything we could but our patient kept getting worse. It was only about a ten minute ride; it felt like hours and it felt like it was over in seconds at the same time. When we got to the hospital they took us right in. From the time we’d gotten the call to our arrival at the hospital was thirty-five minutes.”
“As soon as I had nothing left to do my mind was free to do what it wanted. It changed the image of our two patients in the trauma rooms to images of our kids in their place. All three had been beaten to a pulp; that’s what prompted my phone call that day, that’s part of what’s been bothering me. The other part, other than my patient’s age, has been how I’ve been reacting; I can’t seem to control myself.”
Jeff paused; Keiko hugged him a little tighter in encouragement. “After I hung up with you Saturday I broke down. I was sitting on the back step of the ambulance in full view of everyone at MGH. Shawna and the Medford firefighter who’d driven for us tried to help me, but my tears kept coming.”
“Most of the EMS crews who’d been in the ER knew about our call, but there was one crew who didn’t; one of those EMTs made a comment to me. I snapped again. I grabbed that stupid bastard by the collar and almost put him through the side of his truck; he probably had to change his underwear when he got back to his station.”
“I blew up at the dispatch manager when Shawna and I got back to Malden; he’d tried to send us back to the same apartment complex for a non-emergency call after we’d called out of service. He kept pushing and pushing until I threw our portable radio against the station wall and destroyed it. I told him where he could put his call and I got out of there.”
“I felt like hell was chasing me while I tried to drive home. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Liliana and Ruby staring back at me, blaming me for what happened, for not doing enough to save Liliana; the scenes in my mind started to mix with images of Ken’s Bradley after that Sagger missile hit it. I’ve never seen pictures of it!”
“I had to pull over in Littleton. I broke down again, screaming and pounding on the dashboard while crying my eyes out. Trooper Manahan found me staring at my instrument cluster, almost catatonic. I don’t know how long I’d been sitting there. He helped me get my car to the T’s parking lot in Littleton, then he drove me here.”
“Part of what helps me keep these calls at arm’s length is the fact that I almost never know these people, there’s usually no connection.” Jeff sighed, another long, shuddering breath. He hung his head. “Until now. The girls’ mother is the woman Shawna and I had bought our coffees from just before we got the call. Jasmine’s bright smile just makes our day. I see pictures of her and her girls on the walls of that apartment; they were smiling down on us while we tried to fix her girls. I wonder if Jasmine will ever smile like that again.”
Keiko pulled Jeff around to face her; she reached up and wiped the tears from his face before hugging him again. “I suspect she is stronger than you give her credit for; it will take time but she will find her way through this.”
“I don’t know how I didn’t kill that asshole. I can’t believe that I stopped at hitting him just once.”
“It is because you are not like him, Jeffrey; you protect people, you help them when they need it. What I have learned from your friends tells me you have been this way your entire life. You know right from wrong and you are teaching our children the difference as well. I believe Jasmine knows you and your fellows did the best you could for her daughter; based on her actions I also believe her daughter would have grown up to be a protector, like you.”
An idea popped into Jeff’s head. “Before we leave for any vacation there is something I must do, then.”
