The party leaned all their heads together, in a circle.

“Now,” Royerton said, “this is the Pirate Queen Noreen, scourge of the seven seas, and daughter of five pirate families over six generations of sea-killing madness. So she’s not to be trifled with.”

Bronson raised a finger. “Technically, she’s the daughter of four pirate families and a shipping merchant family who became privateers in 1407 …”

“Oh for the Twins’ sake!” Royerton said.

“Sush!” Sagely said. “Lower thy voice lest your careless whisper be so cruel.”

Royerton glared at Sagely but lowered her voice. “In any case, four families though it may be, I shall lead the parlay and …”

“Um …” Bronson’s mouth was tight. “I really think it should be I who parlays with the Pirate Queen. After all, I have most skill in this sort of thing …”

“You dare question my skills?” Royerton said. “I was born on princely knee and bred in the courts of queens! This is my native tongue you see, foul interloper!”

Bronson’s eyes narrowed. “Yes, let us speak of native tongues since Noreen is from the region north of Westwich, along the Catspekey Sea, and you are from the southern principality of Gallston.”

Royerton turned over a glove. “And what of it?”

“Well I attended the Academy at Lorsedale, which as you know, lady sir, is situated in the Hamlet of Ringsworth, outside of Lorsedale, just along the Catspekey Sea …”

Royerton still didn’t get it. “And?”

Immaxuelle spoke up. “He speaks her dialect.”

Bronson smiled and gave a slow nod. “I do indeed.”

Royerton let out a huff, then looked to Sagely. “Is this true?”

Sagely stroked his chin beard then said, “It is true that Doreen sails her flag over the Catspekey Sea, yes, yes … and ‘tis true that she would speak with a slight Catspekean lilt, which to the, um, heartier ear of the Gallstonian could make certain words sound different …”

“Which of us should talk to him?” Royerton asked.

Sagely looked timid then pointed a finger. “Bronson.”

The Lady Sir Royerton gave a heaving sigh, then said, “Fine! Fine! Get on with it!”

Bronson gave a slow, grinning bow. “It would be my pleasure, milady.”

Royerton rolled her eyes.

Immaxuelle smiled at the back and forth.

“Wild Bill?” Royerton asked.

Wild Bill looked up with slow, heavy eyes. “Yeah?”

“You be at the ready, lest we have to slaughter these wretched sea raiders where they stand.”

“K,” Wild Bill said.

Hatteras Hiccups, who’d been silent the whole of the time, tapped his trusty rifle. “I can pick ‘em of from back here.” He took another drink.

Royerton extended a conciliatory hand that patted Hiccups’ shoulder. “Yes. Of course you can.”

Then she turned to Spells Bruja. “Get a fireball ready. Just in case.”

Spells’ eyes were not visible from beneath the brim of her hat, her pale face grinning between streaks of long black hair. “Girl, you know I’ll light this place up, I haveta.”

Royerton’s lip turned up, but she nodded. “Whatever.”

Immaxuelle asked, “What should I do?”

“Um, let’s see … I’ve never really worked with a summoner before. What can you do?”

“I could bring an animal here, maybe one she’d like,” Immaxuelle said.

Royerton tapped a finger on her own chin. “Umm … good idea, good idea … but let’s wait on that one, okay? Let’s just save it for later.”

Immaxuelle shrugged and smiled. “Okay. Sure.”

Royerton looked back to Bronson, who was combing his hair and looking into a mirror held by Sagely. “What in the Twins?”

“I’m coiffing,” Bronson said. “Pirate royalty take hairstyling very seriously.”

“Just get over there and talk to her!”

Bronson frowned, then waved away the mirror. He pulled on a priestly robe and hat, then plucked at pieces of his hair to make sure they came out from under the hat just the way he liked.

Noreen the Pirate Queen sat atop a throne of coral, chewing on tobacco and offering seed to a bird on her shoulder.

Two pirates rushed up to Bronson as he approached. “Hilt! Ho goos dar, say!”

Bronson cleared his throat and extended his hands, palms up, letting his robes drape down. “‘Tuss aye, Father Bronson Bettersly, prust of da Catspik. Frush on lind doh aye be, aye am of da seas like ye!”

The two pirates looked at one another, then laughed.

“Shut up!” Doreen called. “Let ‘im through.”

The pirates winked at each other and continued to laugh at a snicker.

Bronson held his dignity and approached.

“So yer wha, den?” Doreen asked. “One of dem fancy priests up on da hill?”

Bronson bowed slightly at the knee with stiff back and neck as though he were balancing something on his head. “Aye, I am. And never have I seen a queen so lovely as you, milady.”

Doreen spit some tobacco. “Really?”

Bronson bowed again and said, “Oh, yes. Lovely and enchanting.”

Doreen pulled out a sword and put it across her lap. “Watcha wan, fadder? Tell us quick, na.”

“We seek safe passage, milady. From here to Hemmingsway.”

“Ain sailin’ to Hemmins today. Maybe next week.”

“Yes, the port authority told us.” Bronson made a vague motion back toward the harbor master’s station. “But we thought perhaps if we could fulfill a boon for ye that, um, ye would reconsider setting sail sooner.”

“Like what?” Doreen asked.

“Perhaps there is a small item of some value you seek. Or a group of peasant farmers who have wronged you. Or maybe some kobolds have taken one of your crew hostage …”

“Na. None of dat,” Doreen said. “But mah crew could stand to git laid.”

Bronson went stiff in the lip. “Uh, well …”

Doreen spit again. “Wha? I thought I was beautiful.”

“Lovely and enchan’n,” one of the pirates said.

“Shut up,” Doreen said. Then, “Yeah, right. Lovely and enchan’n.”

Bronson pushed his smile back and peered over at the party.

“Is that a go?” Wild Bill asked, axe in hand.

“No,” Royerton said. “Not yet. I shall reconnoiter the situation. Wait for my signal.”

“Whatever.”

Royerton approached.

“Who da hell is dis?” asked Doreen.

Bronson bowed again and said, “May I introduce the Lady Sir Wilma Royerton of Gallston.”

“So she’s some stuck up royal ass, den,” Doreen said.

“Though we come from lands low and high, your majesty,” Royerton said, “you’ll find that royal blood pulses just the same.”

Doreen smiled, showing many missing teeth, then spit. “Like dat, prissy. Keep ‘at up.”

Wild Bill sighed and put his axe head on the ground, then rested his hands on the haft, and his chin on his hands. He wanted so badly to just kill ‘em and move on.

Immaxuelle looked on with interest but couldn’t help but feel like they had little to offer the situation.

“Psst.”

Immaxuelle looked at Hiccups. “Yeah?”

Hiccups said, “I’m on ta ya.”

Immaxuelle didn’t know what he meant. “I’m sorry?”

“I’m on ta ya. With your devilish ways.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“I mean I’ve seen you workin’ the dark arts, bringing devils and whatnot here.”

Immaxuelle thought perhaps he had them confused with Spells, so they pointed at Spells and said, “Oh, do you think I’m her?”

“The hat? No. She just throws fireballs and picks up dead shit. But you …” His finger waggled.

“Well in that case, I’m at a loss, Mr. Hiccups is it?”

“Just Hiccups. And it’s Mr. Hiccups to you.”

Immaxuelle’s brow furrowed, “Yes, but that’s what I …”

“Psst. New girl.”

Immaxuelle looked over at Spells. “Yeah?”

“Come here.”

“She ain’t a girl,” Hiccups said. “She’s a he. And a devil. A he-devil. And I can hear you.”

Spells ignored him and waved Immaxuelle over. “Come here, come here!”

Immaxuelle gave a little wave to Hiccups, who just leant back and took a pull from his bottle.

“Yeah?”

Spells leaned in close. “You can’t talk to him. He’s a drunk.”

Immaxuelle looked back at Hiccups, his hat tipped down over his face, long beard showing puffy lips drawing deep and labored breaths. “Well, all right. Be he seems nice enough … A bit suspicious, I suppose …”

“Well he’s not nice,” Spells said. “He’s only tryin’ to get something from you. I promise you that. And it’s one of two things.” Spells held up two skinny fingers.

Immaxuelle looked at the fingers that at Spells’ face, even though they couldn’t see the eyes.

Spells sighed. “Booze and bed time, you know?”

“Oh …” Immaxuelle did know the type. “Oh, yes, I see. Well, thank you for the warning then.”

“We gotta stick together out here,” Spells said. “Never know what could happen. People turn on each other quick … That’s the signal!”

“Huh? The signal?”

Spells brought her fingers across her face, mumbling something like, “in cogitum firem latin blastem ballem makenow forme do it, yeah I said do it,” and a bead of fire appeared at the tip of her finger. She sent it over to where the pirates were, and it expanded rapidly to the size of a small boat, then exploded.

The pirates yelled and screamed, then put their swords in the air.

Wild Bill went in, cut one in half, then sliced the other. His face was wild with delight, blood and skin flying around him.

Sagely pulled out a lute and sang, “You cannot defeat us! We have to win! The fight is ours from beginning to eh-uh-end!”

Immaxuelle frowned. “That’s bloody awful.”

“Yeah, well, he doesn’t practice much,” Hiccups said. He took a hard line with his rifle, then dropped the other of the pirates.

“I see you do.”

Hiccups didn’t say anything, just took another drink.

Doreen let out a cry and attacked with two swords, one bigger than the other. She cut across Bronson with one and he gave a wail, then met steel with steel against Royerton.

“You shall not defeat a Knight of the Burnished Rose, foul villain!” Royerton said. Then she gave two chops in sequence, one batting the blade away, and the other striking Doreen.

Bronson rolled alongside Doreen, then behind her and pulled a dagger and a sword from his robe, each went in to either side of the Pirate Queen.

Immaxuelle wasn’t sure what to do, so they summoned a blade and ran up to the Pirate Queen.

Spells let loose a bolt of lightning that struck the Pirate Queen, then Wild Bill ran in and took two swings at Doreen, each making good solid contact.

Sagely continued his song, “You will taste defeat at the swiftness of our hands and the dirtiness of our feet …”

Hiccups shot twice, both hitting the Pirate Queen in the chest.

Doreen let out a roar, and swung once at Royerton, knocking her back and wounding her. The Pirate Queen’s second strike was at Wild Bill, gashing his thick hide.

Royerton gathered her feet and went back in, lunging with her sword and piercing the Pirate Queen’s rib. “Take that, false queen!”

Bronson peered around Doreen to look at Royerton and said, “Really?”

Royerton made a gesture, like, “What?”

Then Bronson stabbed Doreen twice again.

“Goodness,” Immaxuelle said. “She sure can take a lot of punishment.”

“Yeah,” Hiccups said, “but she’s lookin’ haggard. If we just keep at it, she’ll go down.”

“Okay,” Immaxuelle said, then took a stab at the Queen. They missed.

“Uh, sorry guys,” they said.

Spells rolled her hands together then threw a ball that opened into a large web that covered Doreen, Wild Bill, Royerton, Bronson, and Immaxuelle.

“Ew,” Immaxuelle said.

“What in the Twins’ hell?” Royerton called out. “I thought I said no more webs!”

“Whatever, man,” Spells said. “It’s all I have prepared today.”

Wild Bill thrashed about in the webbing but could do nothing else.

Sagely continued, “And even though we be sticky, you’ll not escape our sticking …”

Hiccups shot twice. Both hit Doreen.

Doreen cut the webbing apart with one slash, then struck Wild Bill with another. Lots of blood ran out and she chuckled. “Ha ha! You bleed nice, pretty man!”

Wild Bill didn’t say anything.

“Let’s see how you bleed, your majesty!” Royerton said as she made two quick thrusts with her sword. One narrowly missed her, and the other slashed the queen’s stomach.

Bronson made a precise movement and stabbed the queen in the kidney. She howled and went down on one knee. His second strike hit her in the head.

“She’s still up?” Immaxuelle asked.

Everyone nodded.

“Well, okay, then.” Immaxuelle cut at the webbing but to no avail. “Oh well.”

Spells let out an array of small, translucent bolts that traveled over to the queen and struck her several times.

Doreen said, “Bollocks,” then fell over, dead.

“Yes!” Spells said.

“We are victorious,” Royerton said. “Good team work, everyone.”

Immaxuelle looked down at the dead Pirate Queen. “What happened?”

“Huh?” Royerton asked.

“I mean, you and Bronson were talking to her. What happened?”

Bronson and Royerton looked at each other, then back to Immaxuelle.

“She was an enemy,” Bronson said.

Then the party stripped off Doreen’s armor and took all her money. They took the clothes and money from the two dead pirates, too.

“And why are we doing this again?” Immaxuelle asked.

“I gots to get paid,” Spells said. “Components don’t grow on trees … well, actually some do, but …”

“It’s a tale as old as humankind itself,” Bronson said. “The vicious are overtaken by the righteous, and the Twins bestow their virtue upon the weak and their riches upon the meek.”

“Yeah, okay,” Immaxuelle said, “but we just killed her for no reason, right?”

“There’s always a reason,” Wild Bill said.

“Oh? And what’s that?”

He held up the gold sack.

“Ah. Yes, I see.”

And that’s the story of how the Band of Brutal Beneficence killed Doreen the Pirate Queen.